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[25 Nov 2009|12:20am] |
While looking through things at home in attempts to piece together bits of my family's past (through pictures and books of poetry) I found this poem written by my father:
To my little fairy princess
mirror of my imagination
absorbing the astral light
by immersion in your sleep
by respiration during waking
Would you like to come with me
To the magical forest
By the whispering trees
Where I once laid down to rest
By the crystal cave
Where I hid the silver pen
that wrote in moon letters
The songs of love that we both share
It's finally reached me maybe twenty years later.
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| Katika Kenya! |
[16 Mar 2009|01:29am] |
I just watched the Lion King, and this sounds silly, but I could connect it to so many things I've seen so far in Kenya.
Unrelated:
-We missed a couple days of classes this week due to rioting in Nairobi... Nairobi is unlike any other city I've ever been to. A couple people were killed. The Mungiki are crazy, what do you even stand for?
-The public transportation involves blasting rap music and decorations on the outside of the matatus (mini buses) with phrases like "crunk bubbles" and "drunk and crazy" (So, does that mean our driver is drunk and crazy? Sweet! Ok let's hop in that one!)
-Because corruption is so common here, certain areas are labeled as "corruption-free zones"
-If you ever come to Africa, you should learn what mzungu means, cause that's what you're going to be addressed as all the time. (It means white person, but hey you'll still be called a mzungu if you're asian, hispanic... basically anything but black)
-Baby elephant trunks feel funny
-When giraffes run it looks like they're moving in slow motion
-Zebra in Kiswahili is pundamilia... literally translated to "striped donkey". And you know what? That's EXACTLY what they are. So much more like donkeys than horses.
-Networking in Kenya is a lot easier than in America... or maybe people are just more friendly and I'm more willing to talk to people I don't know.
-If you were to say a word like "Connecticut" to someone here they would have no idea what you were saying unless you pronounced every letter in that word as how it's spelled. (Connedicut? what is that? Connect-i-cut. Oh! Ciddy? Oh, Cit-y!)
-How do we get rid of our garbage in Kenya? Ok we've got two options. Burn it on the side of the road where people are walking or throw it in the river! Or you could just throw it down wherever you are, that works fine too.
-If you ever walk through Kibera(biggest slum in the world), you will be greeted with children running up to hold your hand and say "How are you!" but not really knowing what to say in response. ("hello" is not taught here, basically)
I love Kenya. It's crazy here. It's beautiful in some ways. Mind-blowing in all ways.
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[15 Mar 2008|12:18pm] |
I just found out
that my father was friends with William Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg.
And he was published in books
and a lot of other things.
It's ridiculous the things I never knew
and I really like how more keeps coming up everytime I come home
But at the same time I can't handle being here
Cause my mom has this boyfriend that is always around
and I still just can't handle it
It's selfish, but I don't want to see my mom moving on
even though it's been 15 years
15 years
cause I have this idea that you can never move on from real love
and these people aren't worth it
and I feel more mature than she is sometimes
but I was 5 years old and now I'm 20; what do I know about anything
Why have I created these ideas in my head
I just don't want to see it and
I'm not who I should have added up to be, so
I've gotta get out of here.
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[16 Jan 2008|10:41am] |
My mom is looking through a box of my dad's old stuff:
"Is this your father's blood? Oh yeah it is, why would he keep this?"
"Can I see it?"
"Careful, it has AIDS"
"Oh... yeah."
What?
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| As long as you always remember him, he'll always be there |
[09 Jul 2007|05:27pm] |
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Blonde Redhead- 23 |
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As I was driving out of the Oxbow driveway yesterday morning I saw a woodchuck laying on it's back, mouth gaping open, blood slowly draining from it's ears. Completely lifeless. Before that, for the morning, I had been fine. I had been busy cold hosing Merlin's leg and getting him ready to go to the vet. Usually, a dead animal on the side of the road doesn't trigger a response from me. Because I know that life goes in cycles, and death isn't a bad thing and it is necessary for the continuation of life and blah blah blah. But this morning that woodchuck tore that idea into pieces, or maybe it brought it all together. but either way, it tore me apart. Because Dylan's body must be just like that woodchuck's body now. Because there's nothing left there anymore. No more tingle twitch response to touch, or radiated warmth, or bright stare, or high pitched whiney. And even though I know it's true, I am having the most difficult time actually accepting that it'll never come back. A part of me wants to believe that Dylan is still chillin at Marion's house being "king of the sheep" or at Chelsea's barn, just a drive away, and I could still just hop on his back and we could go for a trail through the woods. Just like old times.
But he's not, and I am having a hard time believing it. Yesterday morning and Saturday on my way to and from Chelsea's barn to say my last goodbye I completely broke down. I was driving in my car, practically screaming "What? What? What is going on!? What the FUCK!? What!?" I still can't understand. And I think it's going to take me a whole lifetime to. The night he was put down (that's a strange term, isn't it?) I stayed in the apartment by myself and as I tried to fall asleep I began asking "Dylan, where do our souls go when we die? What happens, Dylan? Where do they go?" as if he could hear me, like some kind of crazy person. But I was terrified for the answer. I knew there would be no response of course, but I wanted to know so badly, even though no one should know. It all seems to make sense when those that aren't close to you pass away. It made sense when most of my family members passed away, it made sense when all those other horses at Oxbow died like Richard and Princess and Romeo. They would no longer be around, it would be a loss that would eventually be filled with fond memories, and I didn't have to think about it any longer.
But this is different to me. Dylan meant the world to me and anyone at Oxbow, and probably anyone who has ever read this thing knows that. Losing Dylan is like losing an old best friend, a sibling, and really, a large chunk of my childhood. Dylan was my first pony, and I've known him for 8 years, which is almost half of my lifetime. He was my confidence, he was my adventure, he was my escape from home, and he was the first thing I ever really loved. But most of all he was what restored the hope in me that things could truly feel perfect. And this old livejournal entry expresses it well:
August 12th, 2004:
"Yesterday I went over to Marion's house to see Dylan who I haven't seen in months and I called out his name from the car and he heard it and came over to the fence, it was so cute. So, I groomed him and took care of him and gave him tons of treats. He was so cute the whole time. He kept nuzzling me for treats and getting all dreamy eyed. (you know, when they close their eyes half-way like they're falling asleep cause they're all relaxed and happy) So then I decided it would be a good idea to hop on him to go around his paddock. There was nothing on him... no saddle, no bridle or halter or anything and I wasn't wearing a helmut either.
And really, it's what I've been missing from riding recently. It just felt so right, like we fit together perfectly like puzzle pieces, or those little cowboy and indian toys where the horse and rider click into eachother. I just felt so comfortable on him again, I haven't felt that comfortable on a horse since I last rode him. He listened to everything I asked him with just my body since I didn't have a halter or anything to control him. We went around his paddock and his pony friends followed us all around as we trotted and cantered along with his long mane flowing and stuff. It didn't even seem real, like it was from some sort of movie or something. And then I got all teary eyed cause I missed him so much and I know that no other horse I'll ever have will ever be like him. I guess I'm ok with that though. Riding him is just the most amazing feeling when you can just be free like that without any of those saddles and bridles. Just riding horses is such an amaing thing anyways and I'm so grateful for it. I guess I'm grateful for everything, because just living is an amazing thing and I hope that everyone will be able to find something like that to feel. It just makes me realize that sometimes things can be truely perfect, maybe for just a moment, but they can. And I miss Dylan so much, but I know that I'll always have him for everything he is and that's all I'll ever need."
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I remember when Sophia, Lynsey, Elizabeth, Mike and I used to go on our "peregrinations" with our original pony pals ponies: Nicky, Pepper, Charlie, Romeo, and Dylan. Those were probably the best times at Oxbow. And when my mom and I used to take Dylan and Merlin out for adventures together to outside shows or to school or to go on hunter paces, and the way that Dylan and Merlin were such a perfect pair and matched us so well. Hah and the time I jumped the bank for the first time and landed on Dylan's butt instead of the saddle in the Michael Page clinic. And the way he would ALWAYS leap over that little stream before the big water jump even though he could easily step over it. Or when I brought him over to Mindy's barn for a week straight and she had us do all of these things like walk over spread out blue tarps, and Dylan stepped over it like he was walkng on hot coals, bouncing and prancing and lifting his feet so high in the air. Or when all of us would go out on the prelim course in winter and gallop through the snow singing the winter wonderland song. What I remember the most fondly were the Easter Egg Hunts at Oxbow where I always rode Dylan, even when I didn't own him anymore and I was really far too big for him. The first Easter Egg hunt was probably the most fun experience I've ever had in the saddle and it was the first time I felt comfortable on a horse outside. Whenever I wasn't feeling too great about something I knew that soon I'd be able to go out to Oxbow and hop on Dylan and ride around outside and that he'd remind me that everything would be alight. That was all I needed and wanted sometimes, just to spend the time alone with just Dylan.
I guess I've never really felt heartbroken over anything before this. Yesterday I was completely distracted at work and my chest literally felt heavy, like I had pebbles in there weighing me down, pressing down on my diaphram. As I was giving one of my tours I had to talk about some coral that died and rotted and I nearly started crying there in front of a bunch of strangers. I didn't have to go in to work yesterday, but I didn't know what else to do. I know that it would feel the same no matter where I went, and I didn't want to spend my time sulking around.
Dealing with it wasn't the hardest part though. What was the hardest was telling other people that it was going to happen, because that made it real. The words coming of of my mouth turned the ideas into truth, and the hardest person for me to tell was Megan because I knew that she had known Dylan very well too. Luckily Lynne was there to basically tell her for me because I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, I didn't want to make them true, but I knew that Megan had to know. And I think that a lot of people take Lynne for granted, because at that moment she was exactly what I needed. She wrapped her arms around me as I basically drooled all over her. As she hugged me she told me "Don't worry Dom, he'll be running in the fields up there with all the rest of Oxbow's best like Richard, Princess, Romeo and Jester. You'll get to see him again someday, and you'll be able to ride him up there through those fields again." And as she was saying this to me I could hear that she was cying too and I hugged her so tightly because I wanted to believe her so badly, all I wanted was for that to be true. And for a moment there I did. In that moment I knew exactly why people would want to believe in religion like that. Because isn't that so reassuring? To know that if you're good now you'll be able to reunite with all the ones you once loved. But it's all too good to be true. There are times when I would love to just blindly believe in God and heaven and all the things that people preach but I just can't.
I don't know why I just can't wrap my head around it this time. I feel like it's not going to sink in for a long time because I was away from Dylan for so long that he had already begun to become just a fond memory. But a living, breathing memory that I could come back to and run my hands across and smell and feel. One I could come back to visit whenever I felt like it began to fade in the slightest bit, and now there is nothing left to come back to, there is nothing left to feel.
This wasn't the first time I thought that I was going to lose Dylan. Three years ago he had this bad absess in his foot but they didn't know and he couldn't get up and all that:
May 20th, 2004:
"So, my mom came home and was like "Marion called and said that Dylan hurt his leg and can't get up and they're not sure what going to happen but the vet is coming and Marion is going to call back and tell us what's going on and we might have to drive up there tonight." and I just got really really upset because I was thinking that Dylan broke his leg and that he was going to be put down. Cause, he's really clumsy and all.
But, yeah I was just really upset because like Dylan just really means a lot to me. And I know it's kind of silly for me to care so much about a pony but I really just love him so much even though I don't ride him anymore and I don't really get to do much with him anymore.(which wasn't necessarily true) I had him for like 3 years and he was the best first pony anyone could ever have and I never want to take him for granted and I don't think I ever will. For those 3 years he was the only constant thing I had to turn to when I was upset, and I couldn't wait for the weekend when I could ride him again. I'd be able to just hop on him bareback and just go for a nice trail and forget about everything except for him and the forest and I would never have to worry about him being stupid on the trail because he was always just so good. He taught me how to trust again after I felt like I couldn't trust anyone and like if anything ever went wrong I knew I'd be able to go see him and forget about it all to go on a lovely trail through the woods. And he would just do anything for me because well, he really trusted me too. We'd go to outside shows and hunter paces and he'd even try and jump things he couldn't do because I told him to do it. Sometimes we'd go on trails and there would be black bears and all the other horses would run away, but I'd tell him to stand untill it went away and he would. And I miss all the times we'd go on those night trails and look at the stars. When everyone would go on the Prelim trails and race eachother, and the trails we'd take to drunk man's cabin.
And If I've ever felt perfection, it would have been with him.
All I want is to just be able to say a last goodbye for once."
And I finally was able to. I went to Chelsea's barn on Saturday and grazed Dylan and gave him a massage and ran my hands across his body in hopes that I would never forget what he feels like. I told him how much he meant to me and that it would never change and much more. I stroked his face and he leaned into my hands and closed his eyes and I knew this was time for me to go. When I got into my car I had to run back and get one more of his little nose kisses on his "kissy spot" and I wrapped the four leaf clover that I found while grazing him around the name plate on his stall and left him apples.
It was easier on me when my father died, which I know sounds pretty ridiculous. I was too young then to even attempt to understand what was happening, and too young to get this sentimental. Too young to seperate the tangible from the abstract. All I knew was he was gone. All it meant was that I wouldn't have a daddy around anymore to love me. But that was all. In losing Dylan I didn't just lose someone there, but I feel like I lost a piece of my past. I just didn't expect it to happen now. I thought I would be able to take Dylan back from Marion when I finished college and had my own place to live and he could live with Merlin again and they could be our trail ponies until they would die of old age. And I know that things don't always go as planned and this all sounds very dramatic, but in a way it's not necessarily a bad thing. This was going to happen eventually, and it's a process that everyone goes through. And You can't always rely on anything to represent pieces of you. We'll outlive our horses, places will change, people will move, and things will get lost.
And someone here at work said something to me that made things finally come together. He said not to worry about Dylan, because no matter what happens to him he is probably doing better now and he will be starting the life process all over again anew and he'll be young again and won't know what he missed anymore because he will be starting all fresh. And this is always the idea that has made the most sense to me because from what I have experienced in living is that everything moves together in cycles. But the thing that he said to me that touched me the most was this: "You'll always remember Dylan for everything that he was and all of the good things about him. That's the nice thing about our memories. You'll always remember the good things, and as long as you always remember him, he'll always be there."
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[08 Jul 2007|05:29pm] |
Dylan was put down last night.
I have a million things to say but nothing makes sense right now.
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[21 Aug 2006|01:47am] |
I leave New York City in three days.
I better pack up my sweaters cause it's gonna be chilly. I'm gonna have to get used to the -40 degree weather in February.
I am so ready to leave and start all new. I'm pretty excited about college.
But I'm not so excited about packing. I always leave that till the last minute.
I packed for New Orleans just a few hours before I had to get to Kalen's house. And when I packed for Virginia it was 1 AM and I was drunk and I had to leave my house at 5:30 to catch the NJ transit train out to Jersey.
I'm gonna miss everyone, but I don't think I'll be too sad cause I've gotten pretty used to this kind of thing. I don't wanna put a damper on anything, but it's funny how quickly we'll all forget about eachother. With that said though, I don't want to forget about people. And I never ever keep in touch with people but I want to.
So send me letters! I'll write you back.
CMR #1492
23 Romoda Drive
St. Lawrence University
Canton, NY 13617-1455
I never write anything that means anything in here. Hah.
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[04 Aug 2006|02:44am] |
So, it's been about a week and a half since I've come back from New Orleans. I must say it was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had and it's hard to explain to someone if they haven't been there. I already talked about how we gutted houses and talked to owners and we also volunteered at an animal shelter and all of that. But it was so much more than just bashing walls, picking up poop and talking to people during our breaks, although there was a lot of that. What I'll remember more is the people I encountered there and how they were all really interesting in some way. We got to spend a lot of time with everyone, going out at night to see the city of New Orleans with it's history and music and people and bars and buildings. I got surprisingly close to some of the people there, and I hope I'll be able to stay close to them in the future.
I remember one conversation that I had with one girl named Emma. She's 20 years old and decided after high school that she wouldn't know what she wanted to do with her life within the next four year so she wasn't going to go to college quite yet. So she volunteered for 10 months with the Americorps and is now volunteering on her own in New Orleans. She was saying how that was almost looked down on by other people and some of her friends because she wasn't doing what you're supposed to be doing after highschool, you know going to college to get a good job and living that whole American life. The thing your parents want you to do so you can support a family and live "happily ever after". She was doing the things she wanted to do. She said that's she's learned so much more by doing what she's done than she's learned in her entire life and more than she thinks she'd learn at four years of college, because this is real human interaction, this is an opportunity to see how others live, how others face adversity, and how we can help them. It made me realize that we shouldn't be living the way our parents want us to live or society wants us to live, but how we want to live. And often times helping others is how some people want to live, because helping others can satisfy you in a way that nothing else can, and you end up getting more from it yourself than you ever thought you could. And I know that I personally was given so much, so much opportunities to do and be whatever I want, but others weren't given as much, so it just feels good to give back a little and give others that same opportunity that they wouldn't have otherwise.
It's times like these I wish I was a little more eloquent so that I could actually express the experience like it should be. So, I'll just show some pictures even though I hardly took any and I wish I took so much more.
( You should actually go to the New Orleans Museum of Art )
Be My Sweetheart
It's really too bad I didn't take more pictures like this because there were so many items that were really striking and told a great deal about the owners of the house without even knowing them. One house that stands out the most was one filled with Asian decor. I wish that I took pictures inside that house. The floor was warped and it seemed as if the house was in a soup of flood water for quite awhile that mixed around and when the water left furniture and other items were just ploped down wherever they happened to be previously suspended. Pillows and paintings were everywhere and the flood line was up to the ceiling. The one thing that struck me the most about that house was a simple house plant. It was sitting at an angle on the kitchen counter and was probably there since before the hurricane. But oddly, it was still alive. Many of it's leaves were withered and brown but some parts were still green and obviously living. I just found it amazing that after a year of neglect and probably days of submersion in toxic water it could still be alive. That little house plant seemed to represent the attitudes of many of the people of New Orleans, determined to come back home and go on with living the way they once had despite of this disaster.
Because even when there's nothing left, there's still so much to look forward to.
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[15 Jul 2006|11:59pm] |
So, I'm chillin in New Orleans right now. GG, Kalen and Danny are passed out as usual. It's been really cool here, there's a lot of work but it's definitely also fun and the people here are really cool even though they're all way older than us. Hah we're kinda babies.
What we've been doing mostly is gutting houses. This is basically tearing houses apart using whatever means we have (crowbars, hammers, etc). We have to tear down the walls, take up tiles, get all of the nails out of the walls and floor (which can get a little irritating), take out any furniture and other things that may have been left behind, and remove mold from the houses. We get to meet most of the owners of these houses and hear their stories about their experiences which is really interesting to see how they experienced this event opposed to how the media portrayed it. One man was casually talking about how about 15 of his neighbors "drowned", and how he learns about more drowning everyday. All the houses are marked with an X and in each little triangle created by the X are some numbers representing information about the house and how it was searched, etc. The bottom little triangle represents the number of bodies found in the house after the hurricane and it's almost kind of haunting to be walking or driving past houses with the number 1 in that bottom triangle. Houses are spray painted all over which is pretty strange to see and they're basically all spray painted with "TFW" which is an abbreviation for "Toxic Flood Water". Lots of houses also have things like "1 dog found" written on them which is nice to know that animals were taken care of as well. Volunteering down here is a really rewarding experience and it makes me want to do more of this kind of stuff in the future especially when I'm older so I won't be feeling like such a kid. We've been here for a week and there's still a week to go which I think I'll really enjoy.
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[09 Jul 2006|09:02pm] |
Going to New Orleans tomorrow!
I'll be back the 24th.
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[09 May 2006|06:58pm] |
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Frou Frou- Must be Dreaming |
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So, I've finally decided to go to St Lawrence University.
It took me long enough to decide, geez. And if I decide I don't like it I always have that garanteed transfer option to Cornell but I don't wanna do that cause Cornell sux.
So, bad news in terms of Oxbow was that Lina died Sunday night. Jen told me and I was just like "oh, wow that's so strange..." I never know what to say in those situations. It's horrible cause she was so young. Oxbow should not try to bring up anymore babies. I'm glad it didn't happen while she was in the stall with Guiseppe though because he would have just been so sad cause of Richard and all.
But, other than that Oxbow has been awesome. I rode Journey for me last time in the Michael Page clinic and he was perfect. We got to jump so big, and on Journey I just feel so confident to jump anything because he's so confident and ready to go and even though he loves bucking and hoping and being crazy when it comes to jumping he loves it and won't look at anything. I'm gonna miss riding him now cause I just started really liking him. Lynne said she'll still occasionally let me ride him so that's pretty sweet. I went up to oxbow yesterday after my AP test and rode Merlin and Dylan and it was so nice to hop on Dyl bareback and run around the cross country taking jumps and stuff. Dylan is so cute he loves running around like that.
My AP bio test went surprisingly well for not studying at all or like even opening my textbook once this year. My essays were really vague except for one that was on ecology. I beasted that essay, it was so good. Afterwards Jano shoved me into some trees and I identified them. What a loser haha
I love the way my life is going right now. I love my friends and ponies. I have plans, and I like them. I like being alone. But sometimes I just just want to be able to melt into someone's kiss and have it feel like home. Like something so familiar and warm that I know I could fall back on an it would be alright. I know I'm too restless for that. Sometimes I think I like driving myself crazy in some backwards way.
I've always hated living in the city but recently I've started to really appreciate it and I'm starting to really love it, which is ironic cause now is when I'm going to be leaving it. I know that I could always come back. I don't think I'd want to live in any other city though, because as much as I never wanted it to, this city has become an inseperable part of me that I feel like I will always come crawling back to if I can't make it anywhere else. I love where I live, the subway and thrift stores and hidden gardens along side streets. How walking the streets at 4 am seems ok cause you know you're not the only one, and how the streetlamps illuminate blossoming trees in the springtime, giving them an almost magical glow. How everything imaginable is within walking distance, how I can get caught up in history-making events and how the sky reflects the city's glaring lights right back at us. I'm still missing so much. It seems like no where else would be able to compare, and for living here for 18 years I still feel like I'm a stranger to the city that has brought me up. I don't want to be a stranger here anymore, cause I know wherever I go next I'll just be another stranger and I can't go on drifting around like that forever. Or maybe I can, cause that's what I always had planned.
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[31 Mar 2006|12:50am] |
Today (actually yesterday) felt like three days rolled into one.
I don't know how I feel about that.
I got rejected from Cornell too.
But hey, it's my birthday.
I'm 18.
I hope it's better than 17, cause 17 kind of sucked.
I better stock up on my cigarettes and porn!
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[30 Mar 2006|08:42am] |
I feel awful. Last night was awful. My eyes are sore and I never get any work done. Starting at like 10 last night my neighbors were up screaming at eachother, not even about anything. They just yell "fuck you bitch! suck my fucking dick or I'll punch you in the face!" and stuff like that and the woman yells back and stuff. Then people open their windows and tell them to be quiet and they throw glass bottles at them and say "I know where you live!" (haha) It makes me so uncomfortable. They did this until around 7 o'clock, by this time I gave up on sleeping anyways.
I also had like a panic attack kind of thing, and this has been happening a lot lately. Something upsetting will trigger it and then I just go crazy and can't focus on anything and get really upset about a bunch of things not even really connected to the thing that triggered it, etc. I keep like ripping off pieces of skin on my fingers/heels without realizing it.
I really don't want to go to school today but I've been missing out on school way too much so I have to go. Whatever, today is supposed to be a beautiful day.
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[01 Mar 2006|11:47pm] |
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Third Eye Blind- Deep inside of you |
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I think Third Eye Blind might be one of my all time favorite bands cause I've liked them since I was pretty young. I remember singing "semi-charmed life" with Eva back when we were in maybe 4th grade, I have no concept of time anymore.
Right now I feel like I have every opportunity in the world to do somehting great and be happy with my life, I don't know why my feelings about this change so drastically. I feel like I have all these chances all around me, ready to be taken up. And I'm ready to take them up. I want to change the world, I want to make a difference. I don't want to be famous or even known for what I've done, I just want to know for myself, and be able to know that I did something. I experienced what life has to offer. I don't want to miss out. I want to see the world, travel all over.
Maybe I'll miss out on some things. Maybe I'll miss out on having a huge house and a family. Maybe I'll miss out on falling in love and settling down with someone. But for some reason I don't think I'd really mind. The goal of so many people's lives is to get married and have a family and to fall in love. And although this is so common, and seems quite mundane, I find it to be the riskiest chance to take. It's so unreliable. You need to rely on another person to fulfill yourself. It seems so simple, but what if you never find someone? You've wasted your whole life searching, dragging yourself through the days, through mind rotting cubicle jobs to realize you've wasted your time. Everyone is so eager to reach that goal, so they'll jump into any relationship and get married only to realize there was nothing there. I think that's my biggest fear. I'd rather get mauled by a lion or fall down a cliff or get eaten by a shark than get married, realize I'm not happy and get divorced only to wake up alone at 60 years old to a cloudy morning and realize I've let it all pass me by. Yeah so maybe love is the best feeling in the world, truely knowing someone, becoming a part of them, being completely comfortable with them. I'm not even sure what, really. But what if you miss the real thing. Then you've missed out on everything, and I don't want to take that chance.
We're all so insignificant, at this point we're all just resource consumers.
I just want to give back for everything that has been given to me.
It seems as if there are two ways to make yourself feel whole.
You can look for someone else to complete you or you can complete yourself.
Does anyone even read livejournals anymore? Hah
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[21 Feb 2006|11:23pm] |
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Counting Crows- Round here |
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I'm so tired of everything being so meaningless. Meaningless words, meaningless actions, meaningless kisses. This isn't who I am/ who I wanted to be. I miss when all that actually mattered to me. When kisses gave me butterflies in my stomach even though they were familiar. I miss the feeling of a familiar kiss, like you could melt into the other person, and it would be alright. Alright. Not some drunken fluke, not something that would be awkward the next day. Who am I? Why did I want this? This wasn't what I wanted.
I'm biting the clock, I want to fast forward, I want to rewind, I want to be anywhere but here.
I want to get out of this rut. I want to regain hope, regain some direction cause I've lost these things somewhere, and I feel like I'm stranded in limbo or something. I feel like I'm sad all the time and I never feel like talking, like everything is wrong and I really shouldn't be here. I have nothing to be sad about, I know my life is really amazing and I'm really lucky but something is just missing or so out of place, and I just need to leave here.
I never feel right here in the city, but on monday I was at Oxbow and I went to the paddock, took out Dylan and Merlin and I let them go free to eat grass on the lawn. I decided to lay down on the lawn. It was only 15 degrees but I felt so warm. The sun was shining on my face and my two favorite things were standing right beside me on either side eating grass, and it felt just right. I need the grass, I need the sun, I need the stars, I need natural colors. I didn't have to think about love, or sex or being insecure or not good enough for anyone, because right then at that moment I was good enough, I knew I was good enough. Not only for those horses or the grass or the little bugs that were probably crawling on me, but I was good enough for myself. And that's really all I've ever wanted to feel.
I'm starting to hate drinking/smoking/parties in general. It's all so dumb, but I'm glad I've learned these lessons myself, otherwise I never would have believed it.
( weak )
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[03 Feb 2006|11:25pm] |
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Jewel- you were meant for me |
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I have become a horrible conversationalist recently.
Like if I don't know a person very well I just find it so hard to talk to them so I just don't put forth the effort. So it's probably awkward for them but I'm just chillin and not talking. I probably seem really boring. I don't really care.
It feels as if I've lost my charm
that spark
It's finally been dragged out of me by this city
by growing up and losing touch
and now
I've become just another one of those girls that drinks too much at parties
and does really stupid things.
I've always hated those girls
but now I'm just too tired to care.
And I don't find four-leaf clovers anymore.
Mike and I talked all of last sunday about like the last 6 years of our lives and we used to have so much fun. I miss being like 12 when sleeping on trampolines outside, riding horses till like 10 at night, swimming all day and going out on canoes, exploring new trails and all that kind of stuff was all we needed to have fun. Now it seems as if everyone needs to get drunk or smoke to bring that imagination back, but it never really comes back.
I also talked to Meryl about what's it's like for her living alone with Emmett (her dog) and it got me really depressed. She said she didn't mind but if I were her I don't think I'd be able to take it. I don't want to live alone anymore but I'm scared either way. I hate feeling hopeless. I'm not looking forward to anything anymore, I'm not even that excited for college, I'm just excited to be getting out of here.
I wish I had a real best friend
cause when it comes down to it I don't have anyone to really talk to.
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[16 Jan 2006|04:35pm] |
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Kelly Clarkson- Gone |
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I am out of control.
I don't know what to think about friday. I'm disappointed I didn't get to take the airtram thing. That is a new goal in my life. I hope nothing is awkward tomorrow. I don't think it will be.
saturday: PATTY NO TEETH-KNEES. What the fuck. Hilarious. I love Laqueefqueef.
and sunday, well I thought Lynsey's entry was really funny so this is it:
"fucking grnddday. fucking f\grdnpa.s
my grandpas are dea.d\
good thing because i hate grnaddadyds.
grandaddus;.
dom hates grandaddys too."
Agreed. That basically sums everything up.
I'm also turning into Lynsey because I can't speak english properly anymore.
I ate so much this weekend ugh gross.
Also, I don't listen to normal music anymore. All I have been listening to lately is pop music and I can't stop.
It's just so good.
This year has started out ridiculously.
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[02 Jan 2006|01:26pm] |
In 2005 I...
started it off half passed out on a hallway floor listening to lebonese politics
went to South America for the first time
made some new and awesome friends
failed my driving test
won an environmental competition (Envirothon)
started leasing a new horse named Journey
saw the Spanish Riding School of Vienna (once in a lifetime opportunity!)
got a $60 ticket for using my student metrocard
was obsessed with cox
got a new fish named Scrappy
failed my first standardized test
started hating school
got first in the top ten at the oxbow awards dinner
got a nasty skin disease
infected someone with my nasty skin disease
didn't go to enough shows
hated the beginning of senior year
started looking into colleges and realized I feel like I'm going nowhere in life
got to ride Terc and Ebony!
went to parties in Jersey
lived on my own for a few weeks and liked it
made the best band ever, Unusually Long Wallet Chains
and another great band, Burned October Love Letters (This name is better)
spent an awesome week at a beach house with some of my best friends
made the best Caipirinha drink in Brazil haha
helped save the rainforest (seriously)
couldn't do cartwheels
rode ponies in the ocean
didn't pee in my pants
started driving and started hating it
still hate it
got sad cause too many new people came to oxbow
became the vice president of the Oxbow Raiders 4-H club
was thought to have diabetes for peeing too much
fell in love with the music of Kelly Clarkson
sang and danced a lot
thought a planetarium black hole was a real black hole/maze
kissed people I shouldn't have
had sex drunk
saw around 10 shooting stars
wished on every one
skinny dipped at coney island
rode my bicycle drunk and almost fell over
got a decent tan for the first time pretty much ever
was really red at first though
adopted a freshman, he's not that cool though
got lost in Buenos Aires
took too many subways rides between 2 and 6 in the morning
arrived at oxbow and rode in my lessons still drunk too many times
spent a lot of time in hotels/friend's houses/anywhere but my own house
ate corey's yogurt
had a dress up party with Allison and Sarah!
Saw a rare breed of Turkicorn
turned 17
Went sledding, and had snowball fights and skated on frozen ponds and
refused to believe I was 16/17 years old
witnessed a car accident
went to a huge amount of sweet sixteen parties
threw up shockers in every picture
won the oxbow easter egg hunt
had someone to come home with me after parties
changed a lot
made a lot of mistakes
kept secrets about myself
fell in love and wouldn't let myself believe it
ended it by running to times square within one minute of the ball dropping
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[18 Dec 2005|07:58pm] |
Okay so I was talking to Mike today and I said
"I want to study abroad when I go to college. You know, Elizabeth is going to study abroad in China."
And then he said
"Why isn't she going to study abroad in Asia?"
HAHAHAHAHA
He just didn't think that China was in Asia.
I can't believe Mike.
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[29 Nov 2005|06:29pm] |
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music |
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Third Eye Blind- The Background |
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The city felt dead today.
I felt pretty dead today too.
I'm bursting at the seems with things to tell someone, but I have no one to tell.
I've lost my appetite.
I think I've found what I've been looking for but I have no one to share it with.
I'm ready to open up, I'm ready to share everything, I want to fall in love.
I don't remember why I was so cynical before, thinking that nothing could ever work out.
So I'll just have to push myself to move on.
Leave this dead gray place once and for all.
I've learned my lessons.
And yet, somehow the future still seems pretty bleak to me.
All I wanted to see today was a flower or something, but every pot was filled with a brown withered mess.
Every color I saw was so fake, everything seemed so superficial, everyone seems so superficial.
Ugh whatever I shouldn't even be writing in here.
I think I'm going to stop.
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